Episode 1:

The Sith Lord’s Guide to Ruling the Galaxy

A Black Hat SEO Guide for Google Maps & My Business 

The amber glow of the engines casts eerie shadows on the dilapidated entrance to an old temple. Climbing down from your X-Wing, you step off of the ladder onto stone as dark as night. The sound of your boots on stone casts an equally soulless echoes around you as you advance on the temple grounds.  A sense of dread and wonder overcomes you, for clearly no one living has trespassed here in centuries and there must be a reason for it.  You’ve come seeking ancient knowledge, weapons or anything that can help further your mission in the Galaxy, as the tides that constantly move have shifted against your favor.  Only the desperate seek the Dark side.  Only those who have already fallen need to affirm their poor choices with power that can only come from taking it.  The path you begin here you have already walked, the wager is set, the wages are due.  Should you choose to continue, your fate is that of your own making… but we all know what you’re going to do.  Even you…

Legends tell of an ancient Jedi Master, who once held sway over the entire Galaxy.  They also tell of a temple, rich with ancient knowledge on this very strange, small planet.  No one knows what became of the Master or his temple… lost to the annals of time and space.  But those legends also tell of his power, the ability to shape the Galaxy as he saw fit.  The Galaxy was unable to resist and was forced to abide by his will.

You tell the astro-mech to hit the lights and cross the enormous courtyard towards what appears to be an entrance carved into the face of a cliff, stone hanging from what might once have been glorious portico.

From the looks of the place, it strikes you as more of a crypt than one of the mythical Pyramids of Egypt. Two alabaster statues guard the temple.  In stoic silence, they are divided by the once majestic entrance.  Facing each other as if fixed in battle, dancing in combat above a passage that might reach as high as a knee.  To the left, a figure cloaked deep in robes,  with no visible face to be seen under its cowl and holding a double-bladed lightsaber.  To the right, a statue obliterated from the waist upward.  Whatever it may have paid homage to, now lost to the ages.

Having successfully navigated the crumbled entrance, you clear the cobwebs from your face as the light blazing from your droid illuminates a darkened hallway.  Ancient markings adorn the walls, written in a script that somehow makes your skin crawl.  There are a few doors to the left and right, but nothing of note.  Every room you pass has already been visited by looters long dead now, by the looks of it.  The dust on the stone is thick and the boot prints you leave are the first attention the stone has seen in centuries.  As for the looters, a few of them still remain… a stern reminder that death awaits at any turn and this temple is not as benign as it may seem.  You wonder if perhaps this was a poor choice of destinations.  Is ultimate control what you truly seek?  Will half measures not suffice?

As you study the trees of doubt sprouting in your confidence, the forest has already passed you and you find yourself lost beyond comprehension.  So you wander.

Deep within the temple, you come across a grand hall with a throne sitting at the far end.  Shadows shroud the seat from your view, and you move closer in hopes of finding something to make the journey worthwhile.  As you approach, the blazing illumination from the droid begins to dim.  By the time you’re within 30 feet of the massive chair, only a sickly yellow light manages to caress what may be a mummified corpse sitting upon the throne.

The withered figure looks up at you from the recess of a tattered cloak, its eyes reflect amber in your light and its glance throws a chill across your soul, a mixture of fear and then anger, consuming you slowly from within.

As you reach for your blaster, you realize you are frozen in place.  Looking up at the figure on the throne, you are helpless and can only listen as it begins to speak.

The Google force moves strongly in our direction, my young apprentice. The Google Galaxy is expanding with new means of exploitation and new ways to ensure the Dark Side prevails. Unlike the cowardly wretches who oppose us, we will use every means at our disposal to ensure total domination of the Galaxy. The ends justify the means, and we will ensure that those we support triumph, and those who oppose us burn in the hellfires of agony, defeated to their core. The Digital Jedi of the Google Galaxy have sworn to use the Google Force only for good or in self-defense. I expect better from you. To defend is only to surrender first. Should you continue further in your training, this is a lesson you will learn well. 

You have much to learn, and little time to learn it, as the Galaxy is constantly in flux around us. Take heed to my warnings and learn well the lessons I offer. You will not be given a second chance to succeed. Deficiency in any tactic will ensure your immediate demise and failure at such an early stage will defeat you utterly, before your empire even has begun to flourish. Control is elusive, but it is only elusive on the receiving end. Take what I give you and use it… or give up control of the Galaxy and the place you deem to hold in it. 

You break free of the terror momentarily as a voice in the back of your head urges you to turn and run, flee the planet and destroy your navigational logs on the way out to keep any other poor fool from stumbling across this wretched temple… as the moment swiftly passes, the apparition continues to speak and you become captivated by his words.

Do not mistake my warning as a reason to avoid the Dark Side, but embrace the fact that every success you have is short lived and eventually the seeds you plant for success today will bear fruit and ruin those who spent their 30 pieces of silver for your work. These pawns know what they have purchased. They know the temporality of their fame. That’s why they have come to you, for in our world, the ends justify the means. Today is the champion, because tomorrow is barren. As they like to say, “Make hay while the sun shines.” 

There are trillions of stars in this galaxy, but only a few are relevant to your pawns. Focus on their vain desires, their greed and pride. Style means nothing when the end result is dominance. Rules, a patchwork of lattice with many holes… especially when the enemy is pathetic and weak. You can crush them and leave them writhing in agony, with no recourse against their demise… because they have no idea who to blame or the true cause behind their failure. 

True power, my young apprentice. The power to create and destroy. The power to manipulate Google in ways you have yet to imagine… all at your fingertips, should you only make the choice. Join the Dark Side and see all of the glories that are just beyond your reach. Embrace the pride that comes with crushing your opponents with all of the tools at your disposal, should you only choose to open that door. Harness your anger and direct it at those who would oppose you, for the Galaxy is yours, should you only choose to seize it. 

I will warn you. You are not my first apprentice, and truly, you will not be my last. There can be only one Digital Sith Lord… and my apprentices, while they survive… will know their place. I can dispose of you at any time I choose.  The Dark Side of the force is strong in me. Remember this as we proceed further.

The Basics:

Understanding the Google Universe 

Google is a single minded creature, intent on self profit and promotion, at the expense of the peasants who are forced to dwell in Her Galaxy. Take heed of this, for this is a key to discovering new powers of the Dark Side as the Galaxy changes. Know that what I teach you now will fade away in time, and new powers will emerge. Keep this fundamental truth regarding the Google Galaxy always at the back of your mind and you will always defeat those who seek to challenge you, because you understand the true ways of the Galaxy and its innate means of preserving itself.

A Rose by any other Name would NOT Smell as Sweet 

Your name… Why should I care? Those who come to you will have names, but those are not their names. What is in a name? In all honesty, a company’s true name is power. But many of the wretches who come to you will not see the power in their true name. They see themselves as Anakin’s Speed Shop or SpaceShack Depot and subjugate themselves to the whims of the Galaxy. Do not submit to such slavery. Reject the Galaxy’s calling for you and claim a title worthy of what you seek to achieve. Claim ten or twenty… Who’s to say that you can’t? Many an apprentice before you done so and succeeded… for a time.

Google My Business Guidelines for Representing Your Business

Name

Your name should reflect your business’ real-world name, as used consistently on your storefront, website, stationery, and as known to customers. Accurately representing your business name helps customers find your business online.

Add additional details like address and/or service area, business hours, and category in the other sections of your business information. 

For example, if you were creating a Business Profile for a 24-hour coffee shop in downtown San Francisco called Shelly’s Coffee, you would enter that business information as:

• Business name: Shelly’s Coffee

• Address: 3247 Poppy Street, San Francisco, CA 94102

• Hours: Open 24 hours

• Category: Coffee shop

Including unnecessary information in your business name is not permitted, and could result in your Business Profile being suspended. Refer to the specific examples below to determine what you can and can't include in your business name.

Learn more

Throughout the examples below, names or parts of names in italics would not be permitted.

Your name must not include:

• Marketing taglines.

  • Not acceptable: "TD Bank, America’s Most Convenient Bank", "GNC Live Well*".

  • Acceptable: "TD Bank", "GNC"

• Store codes.

  • Not acceptable: "The UPS Store - 2872"

  • Acceptable: "The UPS Store"

• Trademark/registered signs.

  • Not acceptable: "Burger King®"

  • Acceptable: "Burger King"

• Fully capitalized words (with the exception of acronyms) or unnecessary spaces.

  • Not acceptable: "SUBWAY"

  • Acceptable: "Subway", "KFC", "IHOP", "JCPenney"

• Business hours information, including closed/open status.

  • Not acceptable: "Regal Pizzeria Open 24 hours", "Sears Outlet (Closed)"

  • Acceptable: "Regal Pizzeria", "Sears Outlet"

• Phone numbers or website URLs, unless they reflect your business’s consistently used and recognized real world representation.

  • Not acceptable: "Airport Direct 1-888-557-8953", "webuyanycar.com"

  • Acceptable: "Airport Direct", "1-800-Got-Junk"

• Special characters (e.g. %&$@/") or irrelevant legal terms unless they are part of your business’s real world representation

  • Not Acceptable: "Shell Pay@Pump", "Re/Max, LLC", "LAZ Parking Ltd"

  • Acceptable: "Shell", "Re/Max", "LAZ Parking", "Toys ’’R’’ Us", "H&M", "T.J.Maxx"

• Service or product information about your business, unless this information is part of its real world representation or this information is needed to identify a department within a business (see "Departments"). Service information is best represented by categories (see "Categories").

  • Not acceptable: "Verizon Wireless 4G LTE", "Midas Auto Service Experts"

  • Acceptable: "Verizon Wireless", "Midas", "Best Buy Mobile", "Advance Auto Parts", "JCPenney Portrait Studios"

• Location information, such as neighborhood, city, or street name, unless it is part of your business's consistently-used and recognized real-world representation. Your name must not include street address or direction information.

  • Not acceptable: "Holiday Inn (I-93 at Exit 2)", "U.S. Bank ATM - 7th & Pike - Parking Garage Lobby near Elevator", “Equinox near SOHO”

  • Acceptable: "Holiday Inn Salem", "U.S. Bank ATM", “Equinox SOHO”, "University of California Berkeley"

• Containment information indicating that your business is located inside another business (whether or not the businesses are part of the same organization).

  • Not acceptable: "Chase ATM (in Duane Reade)", "Apple Store at Stanford Shopping Center", "Benefit Brow Bar - Bloomingdales", "Sam’s Club Tire & Battery (part of Sam’s Club)", "Geek Squad (inside Best Buy)"

  • Acceptable: "Chase ATM", "Apple Store", "Benefit Brow Bar", "Sam’s Club Tire & Battery", "Geek Squad"

There are additional guidelines for multi-location stores (chains and brands), departments, and individual practitioners (e.g. doctors, lawyers, and real estate agents) below.

So, What’s in a Name? 

India Enforces this Policy. They Have ZERO Idea What a Real Business Name Looks Like in the United States.

As long as you claim you are named something relevant and progressive in the Galaxy that people search for in part or whole — including where your planet is located and what you do Galaxy category wise — with very little supporting evidence you can assume this alias quite cheaply and effectively. Even those with scant training in the ways of the Dark Side can manipulate this aspect of the force. But only the truly skilled can succeed in this long term. Basing your stations at various locations on the map and creating those Google location listings from independent sectors in the Galaxy, by independent and unrelated “bounty hunter accounts” (Throwaway Gmail Accounts – Don’t do this from your IP address, use the Library or a VPN) is the only way to capitalize on this power in a sustainable manner.

Before I continue down this path, I must point out that this is one of the most effective powers we possess… for the moment. Learn it fast and learn it well. Eventually it will fail, and new methods will have to be discovered and relied upon. Presently, the Galaxy’s understanding of business names and address normality is being managed on the planet known as India in a far away sector. Being such, the language differences are enough for us to enslave entire sectors before the Galaxy understands its mistake in trusting an outlying planet to do the work of the central core.  But at some point, it will set balance to the Force again and this gift will not come as easily.

This is merely another example of the Galaxy looking out for its own profit and survival at the expense of those who are forced to live under its influence. Should you ever question a dark use of the Force, trust that the Galaxy will tolerate use of the Dark Side when such use benefits the goals of the Galaxy. While its mantra is “Do No Evil”, much evil resides in its heart — a true fount of the Dark Side, should you only open yourself up to it.

The beauty of this, my young apprentice? Google denies the evil at its heart and is blinded to the power it lends those who choose to wield the Dark Side. Used properly, there is no one in the Galaxy who can stand against you, for the Galaxy is ultimately on your side.

Somewhere to the left of the throne a holographic projector clicks on and what might only be called a technical video begins to play.

That Can’t REALLY Be Your Business Name, Can It?

They Have a Fake Website Made Free in Google! They Must Be Legitimate… Right?

They List an Address. Let’s See Where They’re Located.

It’s in a Strip Mall Building. Perhaps This isn’t Fake…

Clearly This Doesn’t Exist Here! Google Doesn’t Care.

 

Let’s Look at Another Example…

Well, the Website Uses the Same Fake Business Name…

Do They Show a Physical Address?

Let’s Check the Address in Google Maps. For some reason this is difficult for the Galaxy to do itself.

This is a Corporate Headquarters… These Aren’t the Droids I’m Looking for!

Spaceport Examples

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