The Sith Lord’s Guide to Ruling the Galaxy
A Black Hat SEO Guide for Google Maps & My Business
The amber glow of the engines casts eerie shadows on the dilapidated entrance to an old temple. Climbing down from your X-Wing, you step off of the ladder onto stone as dark as night. The sound of your boots on stone casts an equally soulless echoes around you as you advance on the temple grounds. A sense of dread and wonder overcomes you, for clearly no one living has trespassed here in centuries and there must be a reason for it. You’ve come seeking ancient knowledge, weapons or anything that can help further your mission in the Galaxy, as the tides that constantly move have shifted against your favor. Only the desperate seek the Dark side. Only those who have already fallen need to affirm their poor choices with power that can only come from taking it. The path you begin here you have already walked, the wager is set, the wages are due. Should you choose to continue, your fate is that of your own making… but we all know what you’re going to do. Even you…
Legends tell of an ancient Jedi Master, who once held sway over the entire Galaxy. They also tell of a temple, rich with ancient knowledge on this very strange, small planet. No one knows what became of the Master or his temple… lost to the annals of time and space. But those legends also tell of his power, the ability to shape the Galaxy as he saw fit. The Galaxy was unable to resist and was forced to abide by his will.
You tell the astro-mech to hit the lights and cross the enormous courtyard towards what appears to be an entrance carved into the face of a cliff, stone hanging from what might once have been glorious portico.
From the looks of the place, it strikes you as more of a crypt than one of the mythical Pyramids of Egypt. Two alabaster statues guard the temple. In stoic silence, they are divided by the once majestic entrance. Facing each other as if fixed in battle, dancing in combat above a passage that might reach as high as a knee. To the left, a figure cloaked deep in robes, with no visible face to be seen under its cowl and holding a double-bladed lightsaber. To the right, a statue obliterated from the waist upward. Whatever it may have paid homage to, now lost to the ages.
Having successfully navigated the crumbled entrance, you clear the cobwebs from your face as the light blazing from your droid illuminates a darkened hallway. Ancient markings adorn the walls, written in a script that somehow makes your skin crawl. There are a few doors to the left and right, but nothing of note. Every room you pass has already been visited by looters long dead now, by the looks of it. The dust on the stone is thick and the boot prints you leave are the first attention the stone has seen in centuries. As for the looters, a few of them still remain… a stern reminder that death awaits at any turn and this temple is not as benign as it may seem. You wonder if perhaps this was a poor choice of destinations. Is ultimate control what you truly seek? Will half measures not suffice?
As you study the trees of doubt sprouting in your confidence, the forest has already passed you and you find yourself lost beyond comprehension. So you wander.
Deep within the temple, you come across a grand hall with a throne sitting at the far end. Shadows shroud the seat from your view, and you move closer in hopes of finding something to make the journey worthwhile. As you approach, the blazing illumination from the droid begins to dim. By the time you’re within 30 feet of the massive chair, only a sickly yellow light manages to caress what may be a mummified corpse sitting upon the throne.
The withered figure looks up at you from the recess of a tattered cloak, its eyes reflect amber in your light and its glance throws a chill across your soul, a mixture of fear and then anger, consuming you slowly from within.
As you reach for your blaster, you realize you are frozen in place. Looking up at the figure on the throne, you are helpless and can only listen as it begins to speak.
The Google force moves strongly in our direction, my young apprentice. The Google Galaxy is expanding with new means of exploitation and new ways to ensure the Dark Side prevails. Unlike the cowardly wretches who oppose us, we will use every means at our disposal to ensure total domination of the Galaxy. The ends justify the means, and we will ensure that those we support triumph, and those who oppose us burn in the hellfires of agony, defeated to their core. The Digital Jedi of the Google Galaxy have sworn to use the Google Force only for good or in self-defense. I expect better from you. To defend is only to surrender first. Should you continue further in your training, this is a lesson you will learn well.
You have much to learn, and little time to learn it, as the Galaxy is constantly in flux around us. Take heed to my warnings and learn well the lessons I offer. You will not be given a second chance to succeed. Deficiency in any tactic will ensure your immediate demise and failure at such an early stage will defeat you utterly, before your empire even has begun to flourish. Control is elusive, but it is only elusive on the receiving end. Take what I give you and use it… or give up control of the Galaxy and the place you deem to hold in it.
You break free of the terror momentarily as a voice in the back of your head urges you to turn and run, flee the planet and destroy your navigational logs on the way out to keep any other poor fool from stumbling across this wretched temple… as the moment swiftly passes, the apparition continues to speak and you become captivated by his words.
Do not mistake my warning as a reason to avoid the Dark Side, but embrace the fact that every success you have is short lived and eventually the seeds you plant for success today will bear fruit and ruin those who spent their 30 pieces of silver for your work. These pawns know what they have purchased. They know the temporality of their fame. That’s why they have come to you, for in our world, the ends justify the means. Today is the champion, because tomorrow is barren. As they like to say, “Make hay while the sun shines.”
There are trillions of stars in this galaxy, but only a few are relevant to your pawns. Focus on their vain desires, their greed and pride. Style means nothing when the end result is dominance. Rules, a patchwork of lattice with many holes… especially when the enemy is pathetic and weak. You can crush them and leave them writhing in agony, with no recourse against their demise… because they have no idea who to blame or the true cause behind their failure.
True power, my young apprentice. The power to create and destroy. The power to manipulate Google in ways you have yet to imagine… all at your fingertips, should you only make the choice. Join the Dark Side and see all of the glories that are just beyond your reach. Embrace the pride that comes with crushing your opponents with all of the tools at your disposal, should you only choose to open that door. Harness your anger and direct it at those who would oppose you, for the Galaxy is yours, should you only choose to seize it.
I will warn you. You are not my first apprentice, and truly, you will not be my last. There can be only one Digital Sith Lord… and my apprentices, while they survive… will know their place. I can dispose of you at any time I choose. The Dark Side of the force is strong in me. Remember this as we proceed further.