The Sith Lord’s Guide to Ruling the Galaxy
A Black Hat SEO Guide for Google Maps & Business
Check out an early preview of our upcoming Star Wars themed SEO guide for the Dark Side of the Force in Google.
While we don’t recommend Black Hat tactics with Google or sell them to clients, we’ve been around the block long enough to know how to recognize them. If you can find the competitors that cheat, you can get Google to deal with them for you… with a bit of professional help. This is a creative guide to what you’re going to see coming against you SEO wise from competitors.
*Disclaimer: Digital Jedi SEO does not sell Black Hat SEO strategies to clients. Find someone else if you want to pay someone to cheat. If you’re tired of the cheaters in your market, we can help.*
The amber glow of the engines casts eerie shadows on the dilapidated entrance to an old temple. Climbing down from your X-Wing, you step off of the ladder onto stone as dark as night. The sound of your boots on the soulless stone echoes around you as you set foot on the temple grounds. A sense of dread and wonder overcomes you. Clearly no one living has trespassed here in centuries. You’ve come seeking ancient knowledge, weapons or anything that can help further your mission in the Galaxy, as the tides are constantly moving against you.
Legends tell of an ancient Jedi Master, who once held sway over the entire Galaxy, eventually settling on this small planet. From the looks of the place, it strikes you as more of a crypt than one of the mythical Pyramids of Egypt. Two statues guard the temple in stoic silence, one on either side of what looks to have once been a doorway. To the left, a figure cloaked in robes with no face, holding a double bladed lightsaber. To the right, a statue obliterated from the waist upward. Whatever it may have paid homage to lost in time.
Pushing through the crumbled entrance, you clear the cobwebs from your face as your light illuminates a darkened hallway. Ancient markings adorn the walls, in a script that somehow makes your skin crawl and feel as if being watched. Every room you pass along the way has been destroyed by looters long dead by now. A few of them still remain, a stern reminder that death awaits at any turn. You wonder if perhaps this was a poor choice of destinations.
Deep within the temple, you come across a grand hall with a throne sitting at the far end. Shadows shroud the seat from your view, and you move closer in hopes of finding something to make the journey worthwhile. A withered figure looks up at you from the recess of a tattered cloak, its eyes reflect amber in your light and its glance throws a chill across your soul, a mixture of fear and anger consuming you from within.
Frozen in place, looking up at the figure on the throne, you are helpless and can only listen as it begins to speak.
The Google force moves strongly in our direction, my young apprentice. The Google Galaxy is expanding with new means of exploitation and new ways to ensure the Dark Side prevails. Unlike the cowardly wretches who oppose us, we will use every means at our disposal to ensure total domination of the Galaxy. The ends justify the means, and we will ensure that those we support triumph, and those who oppose us burn in the hellfires of agony, defeated to their core. The Digital Jedi of the Google Galaxy have sworn to use the Google Force only for good or in self-defense. I expect better from you. To defend is only to surrender first. Should you continue further in your training, this is a lesson you will learn well.
You have much to learn, and little time to learn it, as the Galaxy is constantly in flux around us. Take heed to my warnings and learn well the lessons I offer. You will not be given a second chance to succeed. Deficiency in any tactic will ensure your immediate demise, and failure at such an early stage will defeat you utterly, before your empire even has begun to flourish. Control is elusive, but it is only elusive on the receiving end. Take what I give you and use it… or give up control of the Galaxy and the place you deem to hold in it.
Breaking free of the terror momentarily, a voice in the back of your head urges you to turn and run, flee the planet and destroy your navigational logs on the way out to keep any other poor fool from stumbling across this wretched temple… The moment passes and as the apparition continues to speak, you’re captivated by his words.
Do not mistake my warning as a reason to avoid the dark ways, but embrace the fact that every success you have is short lived, and eventually the seeds you plant for success today will bear fruit and ruin those who spent their 30 pieces of silver for your work. These pawns know what they have purchased. They know the temporality of their fame. That’s why they have come to you, for in our world, the ends justify the means. Today is the champion, because tomorrow is barren. As they like to say, “Make hay while the sun shines.” Don’t fret about the entire Galaxy when your quadrant is so small…
There are trillions of stars in this galaxy, but only a few relevant to your pawns. Focus on their vain desires, their greed and pride. Style means nothing when the end result is dominance. Rules, a patchwork of lattice with many holes… Especially when the enemy is pathetic and weak, struggling to breathe on their own without choking on their own saliva at the same time. You can crush them and leave them writhing in agony, with no recourse against their demise… because they have no idea who to blame or the true cause behind their failure.
True power, my young apprentice. The power to create and destroy. The power to manipulate Google in ways you have yet to imagine… all at your fingertips, should you only make the choice. Join the Dark Side and see all of the glories that are just beyond your reach. Embrace the pride that comes with crushing your opponents with all of the abilities at your disposal, should you only choose to open that door. Harness your anger and direct it at those who would oppose you, for the galaxy is yours, should you only choose to seize it.
I will warn you. You are not my first apprentice, and truly, you will not be my last. There can be only one Digital Sith Lord… and my apprentices, while they survive… will know their place. I can dispose of you at any time I choose; the Dark Side of the force is strong in me. Remember your place as we proceed further.
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